Friday, June 27, 2008

Friday, June 20, 2008


What's in my bag

Surely we can make it to 1,300...

Done Done Done

Thank God...
The week from hell is finally over...
I got the videos for the week finished, got the stars approved, filmed the concert, documented the staff/student games, set up a 20 ft. screen in the courtyard of our school for midnight movies, got everything ready for the end of the year student lockdown sleep-over, finished and gave my end of the year presentation, attended the awards ceremony and wound up the rest of my classes and am almost out the door.

Just when I thought I could sneak back into my room and take on the piles of things that need to be done by the end of the year a teacher comes up to me and asks if I can do a slideshow for the graduation ceremony... Oh hell, why not?

The Birds

So this afternoon, after putting in the usual 10 hour day, I mozie home to catch up on life at home.
I am flagged by the manager and her sister...
They are in the middle of giving the tenants the latest bizarre warning.
Apparently the grounds have become home to menacing crows as of late, and these ones are on a mission.

It seems that they have taken to dive bombing the locals... and it sounds like a pretty entertaining scene to behold.

The trick is they like to swoop down on unsuspecting seniors and slam them in the back of the head with their whole bodies.
So far the tally is at three women and one man, and it seems their M.O. of choice is to go after anyone with "poofy" hair, according to the powers that be.

So this will make for an interesting weekend, as if the heat wasn't enough to keep me out of the parking lot, now we have attack birds...

Good times.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

You have a mustache...
I mean, you have milk in your mustache...
I mean, you have a milk mustache.

A Simple Request, Which You've Chosen to Ignore

Bathroom Spider 2Bathroom Spider
Ok, it's not like I am asking you to slay a dragon or anything...
I just want you to risk life and limb to protect me from spiders, bugs, and any other creatures with more than two legs that I deem a threat.
It is a simple request, and the offer now stands.
There are three spiders in my downstairs bathroom...
Hell, I think one of them is dead already...
Come one, come all... The bold and the fearless...
Please kill them.

The Blow

So on Saturday evening... At around 10:30...
Autumn, Steve, and I wander over to the Wow Hall, weaving the wrong way down one way streets on our bicycles with no lights. And in the usual fashion, spend a large portion of our journey rehearsing our reactions in preparation for the inevitable moment when we get pulled over...
Autumn had it down...
"What? My Lights are out?? No... I can't believe it. It's a new bike... Well not a new bike, but it's new to me"
She used almost the exact same lines over the past few weeks when she got flagged down in her new sweet ride.

So the Blow...
Is a, how shall we say this... a ladies band...
Like a crowd full of girls holding hands.
I had no idea.
But that is the way it goes...
So we walk in the door, at around 10:45,
Sorry... The Phone rang...

Anyways, we get in the place... and as we find our spots, we hear her call out, "Ok, one more song"
We look at each other in disbelief.
You have to be kidding me.

But it was all good, as apparently she only has one album and we heard all of our favorite songs anyway...
She spent half of the show talking to a water bottle anyway, so I am not sure how much we missed,
though I heard it was a great show from some of our friends that made it the whole way through.

New Song on Repeat:
I kissed a girl

Home Brew

With my camera only inches away, I missed the photographic opportunity of the year.

So we are sitting on the floor in the kitchen, with our mini assembly line laid out in front of us...
We had it down pretty well... Bottle, fill, pass, cap, stack...
Soon we are down to the line, with one bottle to go, and the home stretch in sight.
We have the bucket on the table, with the valve leading down to our work station...

You know where this is going...
So close, with just a few more ounces to finish off the bottle, Evan tilts the bucket to get the last drop...
And tilts it some more, and a little more,
and then in the most perfect moment, proceeds to poor the remainder of the bucket of beer on his head.

Sitting on the floor, in one perfect moment. Me smiling, and him dripping wet with beer running down his face onto the floor.

Really made my day, doesn't take much.
At any rate, I am kicking myself for not getting that on film.
You will just have to imagine.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Key To Looking Busy: messy desk.... Check

Mr. Burns Get's Rickrolled

The Most Disturbing Simpson's I have Ever Seen

Happy Friday the Thirteenth

I like woot, because the powers that be make it interesting.
Today there is a short entry telling you why you will surely die today if you buy an iphone.

I thought it was cute since everyone I know has one and is planning on getting the latest one when they come out next month.


The Latest Entry from Woot:

Ch-ch-ch-ch Ha-ha-ha-ha

Happy Friday The Thirteenth! As you know, sometime today, you are going to be attacked by a big guy in a hockey mask. Probably while you’re taking a shower or… you know. The key to survival is knowing your area.
Now the people over at Apple are hyping up that new iPhone, and they’d like to make you believe that, in an axe-wielding crisis, they’ve got the hardware you need. But we feel that the Magellan Maestro 4200 Portable GPS will suit you better, and here’s the reasons why.
1) When alone in the woods at two in the morning and screaming for your life:
- The iPhone requires that you have charged it the night before.
- The Magellan Maestro 4200 Portable GPS plugs right into your car’s cigarette lighter.
2) When trying to quietly sneak through the dark forest to freedom:
- The iPhone screen lights up and makes you easy to find and kill.
- The 4.3” wide WQVGA color touch screen on the Magellan Maestro 4200 Portable GPS also lights up, but it lights up inside your car, putting an extra layer of metal between you and the axe. Also, the Maestro mounts on the dash or windshield.
3) As you panic because it seems like the woods are changing and you can’t find the dirt road back to the highway and you suddenly see the hulking bloody outline of the maniac in your headlights:
- The iPhone will probably require you to juggle it in your hands while driving and take your eyes off the road which will result in a crazy man punching your hood and howling like a wounded beast as you scream and pray for an easy death.
- The Magellan Maestro 4200 Portable GPS has voice guidance with turn-by-turn directions and a simple menu with over 1.3 million pre-programmed points of interest. You could promise yourself a trip to the World’s Largest Buttermilk Pail. What better way to have something to live for?
4) When you’re at the local gas station trying to calm down and changing into a new shirt:
- The iPhone will be all rattled against your keys and have sweaty fingerprints on it and probably there’s some sort of tracking device installed which the government uses to pinpoint your location and send maniacs after you because that’s the sort of thing Steve Jobs would do and you know we’re right.
- The Magellan Maestro 4200 Portable GPS comes with a protective pouch. Plus we certify each one to be 98% maniac free!
5) When you fall asleep and have to fight Freddy for control of your dreams:
- The iPhone, while left unguarded in your car, is totally gonna get swiped and sold on eBay.
- Nobody on eBay wants a Magellan Maestro 4200 Portable GPS. Well, maybe that guy from Nigeria.
So the choice is very clear. Don’t hide in the cellar for a few weeks and hope AT&T’s signal reaches your deserted cabin. Get a Magellan Maestro 4200 Portable GPS and start your escape right now! Seriously, right now. No, we mean it. That wasn’t the wind. RUN

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Big Smile
That's all I have to say.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Hey Dad

New Mom
I found an old picture of mom,
who, just like Judy said, doesn't look a thing like me...
What a peach.
She's Next.
Well that's what I told the lady at the bank anyway...

And Here are a few more...
When I get scanning,
I really can't stop.

Huggy Stash
KC Farm
And the Thriller Jacket...
KC Jackson
Corky With a Random Baby At Alpha Farms
Corky Baby
And what the hell, why not, the guy that hooked up our cable in 2005.
Cable Guy

Party Like It's 2005


Ok Kids Check This Out

I completely understand the logic in this product, but could not stop laughing...

The concept is that electric cars run too quietly, not allowing potential obstacles the time to dive out of the way.
So some mad scientist developed speakers to sound like a car...
But it doesnt sound like a car, it sounds bad, really bad, like mechanical bad,
and cooler yet, the sound intensifies on what ever side you are turning, which will surely make everyone think your new Prius is about to burst into flames...

I would hold of on adding this feature to the line just yet.

Mark Your Calendars

I am actually taking a day off...

They told me if I came in tomorrow, they would send me home.
So I will take the hint and selfishly abandon my post for one day.
I will probably be bored out of my mind and still feel just as bad,
but it will shorten up the week and help me make it through.

I never get sick.
I am probably just tired.
That or I will be dead in the morning.
I will keep you posted.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Oh Kanaya

You silly thing...
I loved it today, when you snuck up behind me in my dark classroom, while I had my headphones on with the volume all the way up. With a high powered drill in my hands, engraving serial numbers into cameras, Yes, Kanaya, that was the perfect moment to sneak up behind me and grab me..

Oh how you giggled when I screamed...
And how you came back ten minutes later with your friends to try it again.

Get back to class, you crazy munchkin.

Kudos to Eric

My new hero...

You rock...
Must bake pie...

You made my day...
Thanks for helping me today.
You made my day, and I have been so excited ever since.

Yeah Eric!!!
I owe you.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Getting into Character

RobinBrilliantDinner DuoJen

So I wander home after Carol's retirement party, fully intent on leaving the house.
But as I approach the door, my heart sinks and I become anxious.
The curtains are closed... They were open when I left, and instantly I start to think something ominous lies behind them.
I assume Autumn is leaving me, and with a heavy sigh I walk in to face her.

But to my surprise, a little blonde wearing a Robin outfit sits perched in front of a laptop, smiling mischievously.
She knows I would do anything for her.
So when she suggested we dress up as Batman and Robin, get on our bicycles and ride all over town, I trudged up the stairs to put on my black spandex body suit...

We arrive at Josh's house just and he and Jen were on their way out to dinner...
So without any hesitation, they both put on costumes and got in the car.

What a strange group I have become part of.

Sitting at the restaurant, well into character, Josh would start telling stories about the introduction of the automobile and take moments to fall asleep over his food.

Good times...

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Evan and Matt's House Warming Party

PerfectProduct Placement
Which I forgot to mention...
It was the day before I went out to the lake, got taken down by the police, and froze in the lake...

So here are a couple picks from that event...
Coincidentally, I am wearing handcuffs in some of them...
Which would have been funny if we had been arrested the next evening...
It would have made two days in a row.

By the way dad...
Neither one of these men is Evan.
I know you wanted to see what he looks like,
but so far I don't recall us being in any photos together.
At this point I am better off super imposing his head onto a house plant and standing next to it.


Fallen Ambitions, Rising Suspicions...

Autumn and I just decided to open a detective agency....
Autumn will get close to them and learn all their secrets, and I will be doing the stake outs with the high powered cameras...

A little explanation: we have just gotten really good at circular logic.

Sunday Morning

Autumn and SteveSteve on the Couch

Brew Fest

Ashley and IAshley and TravisBrilliantJosh and AutumnJoshAutumnFanny Pack!
I had such a wonderful time at this year's event.

In the past 8 years living in Eugene I have come up with an amazing number of excuses to miss the festival; first and foremost being that I seldom drink and with that in mind there is hardly justification for spending ten dollars on an event you won't fully partake in. But this year I made my usual efforts to slip under the radar and sneak home to do what ever else I could. But I have to give it to my friends for applying the perfect amount of guilt this year to persuade me.

So even after I negated on my duties and gracefully rode home on my new bike, moments after arriving home I was re-evaluating the situation and turned around. I got back on the bike, and headed straight for the event.

I have to admit, even with being a novice drinker in comparison to my peers I had a wonderful time and was happy to say we shut the thing down... I dawned Autumn's "Shoulder Bag" which we have been telling her was a fanny pack for some time to her unending disbelief and protest.... And I wore it as it was originally intended, as a damn fanny pack...

Quite comfortable and convenient, surely soon everyone will be wearing one. At any rate, it takes a certain person/personality to tactfully pull off such an accessory, and I was up for the challenge, even finding that the additional weight was very conducive to dancing.

Throughout the evening I had two original songs dedicated to the fanny pack... truely histerical, and much to the dismay of Autumn, it was the hit of the party.

I ran into many old and new aquaintences throughout the event, walked away with eight commemorative glasses, and regret not having taken on the experience sooner.

That seems to be a trend, I always hesitate on doing the things that make life exciting and then regret the time I wasted waiting for an invitation to live.

Had a blast, loved the whole thing, except the Pelican IPA ran out before I got there, so I never had the chance to try it.

Loved it.

~The eloquent intoxicant
It is 2 in the morning after all...

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Friday, June 06, 2008

What is Going on?

Are you kidding me...
I wake up this morning to hear an irate parent is taking legal action for a teacher using scotch tape to remind a student to stay in his seat. The reaction from the mother was,

"... But she (Tomchak) gets paid vacation and my son is too upset to go to school? I don’t think you should be allowed to treat students that way.”

Paid vacation.... Paid vacation... Your logic in destroying another person's career is that you are bitter she gets two months off to see her family. Wow. The reaction of the hosts of the show was that they couldn't understand why anyone would want to be a teacher.

I completely understand the expectation of professionalism and putting the children first at all times. But I also have seen teachers attempt to be humorous with their students and that is what this scenario looks like.

How much tape are we talking about? I assume it was just for show...

It's just crazy to me that we will have another educator thrown out of their chosen occupation on account of situations that are blown out of proportion. It makes it scary to try to teach these children.

And the children seem to have inherited this sense of entitlement from their parents. I have had at least five students tell me they are going to sue me. Not when I did anything wrong, just to tell me that they could. I have had just as many tell me they will just make something up to get me in trouble.

I don't let that phase me much, kids say many interesting things; it is just interesting that they are receiving the message at home that teachers are not to be respected or even listened to, that they are sub-human creatures who are only there to please you.

The attitudes of some parents is just frightening. One of them came up to one of our elementary teachers (who comes to work at seven and stays till nine at night on most days) and told her that she was a "Glorified Babysitter" and that since he pays taxes, He owns her.

That seems to be the logic these days. Education is free, and everyone is entitled to access it, we even feed the children for free in the classrooms, I just think some parents are just waiting patiently with their lawyers on speed dial for any indication that someone has made a mistake. No conversation, no negotiations, they just swoop in and don't stop until everything that person has worked for their entire lives is completely destroyed.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Fun Fact

When you are tired, you will stay up later than you ever dreamed.

When you plan on going to bed early you will undoubtedly watch the sun come up,

And when you need it the most your Internet will go down repeatedly, dangling hope in front of you in the form of flashing black rays that will send you searching under your furniture with a pair of pliers looking for the culprit. And Soon you will be cursing the neighbors who forgot to block their access for being such cheap people and not buying a better connection.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Go Here

it is really cool...

Trust me.

You have to be kidding me

I could not believe how hard it was to get a money order today...
I got shut down 6 times in a row...

I was about to give up.

Sitting in my last meeting of the day, burning a hole into the clock with my eyes... Watching the moments slip by and knowing it all had to be in the works by 5:00. I get home and finish 5 bills in 15 min. a new record, down to the final 4 major ones...

I call the bank with ten minutes to go... They close at five and I am finally out of checks...
I take care of that scenario and move on to the more pressing one... How am I going to get these things out in the mail tonight? The lady at the bank is mystified... Like no one ever runs out... She mentions trying a grocery store... Helpful...

Stop one: Albertson's: Verdict (the lady informs me she only has $200 in the till, as if I were holding the place up) not helpful
Suggestion: Hit up every ATM in town... Ha

Stop Two: Bank in Albertson's: Verdict: We only work with cash
Suggestion: Blank Stares and the post office

Stop Three: Post Office (which I knew would be closed)
Suggestion: Give up and Go home

Stop Four: Walmart: Verdict: Victory is mine
Suggestion: the lady behind the counter might need a little counseling on working with people, since she started an all out fight with the lady next to her over the little mats they stand on for hours at a time...

Way too much work, and then I couldn't figure out how to fill the thing out...
Stop One: Gas Station: Attendant: Verdict: I have never seen one quite like that before
Suggestion: Good luck... I think you have the right idea

Stop Two: Post Office: Type A lady I might have been tailing for the last 3 Blocks: Verdict: She ran away
Suggestion: Don't tail people with your stereo all the way up singing at the top of your lungs

Stop Three: Post Office: Guy with more boxes than anyone should be carrying: Verdict: Success
Suggestion: One, make two trips, and that there should be more helpful people like this guy everywhere

It can't be this hard people, come on...


God I love that movie...
Thank you for Smoking
The main character cracks me up.

I love the idea of getting paid to talk.
Lots of people do, myself included, but it takes something extra to be great at it.

That is definitely one of my favorite parts of what I do.
I would have probably been a little shy to talk in front of a group of my peers as a child, maybe not.
I wish I had more of a memory of the first time I got up in front of a room full of admins and taught them some random bit of software... Wish I knew what it was... It never seemed like anything out of the ordinary, I just put down my bag, put my hair up, and went on with the show. Even when I wrote "My new tits" on the screen, it didn't phase me for a second...

We all end up doing those things, it's part of what makes public speaking exciting and memorable.

I also get a kick out of them knowing my name. I am one of the only people in my building that is recognized on a first name basis... And have heard from other lab techies that many times when new apps and topics are introduced, at least one of their students raise their hand and says Kellyclare taught us that...

"I'm glad you asked" will definitely be part of my head stone...
that and "Don't worry, no one is born knowing this"

Sunday, June 01, 2008

We had such an awesome time at the lake house... Got in late in the evening, with a full on police escort... Again...

You know it's gonna be a good night when you pull into the party with three cops behind you... Good times.
So aparently since the last three run ins, Autumn has yet to fix those pesky headlights and tail lights... So in the usual fashion, we make it the entire way to the house sans incident only to see flashing lights in mass quantities as we park the car...
It is even more entertaining, since we totally called it...
I know it is no shock to be pulled over for lights but Autumn and I specifically practiced for the event... I had her work on her shocked expression on the way out and have to admit it was a bit of bad acting on her part when it was her turn to lay on the charm.
I have never heard a less convincing, "What?? Oh my god... Really??" in my life.
No one was buying it... and the kids at the party were so removed from the event that they didnt even walk away from the fire long enough to make an appearance.

So after we convinced the three squad cars to mozy on their way we were free to join the festivities.

I had my usual 2 drinks to the never tiring taunting of Owen, who is still mildly impressed and shocked by my lack of drinking over the years. He always just assumed I was a lush like the rest of the crew and has been fixated on my social habits ever since.

So after a lovely barbeque and extended evening around the fire where Autumn and Steve broke everything that wasn't tied down... A few chairs, a bucket, some other random things that were better off in pieces... Throwing eachother down on the ground one time after the next... Followed by the funniest swimming crew I have ever seen... With Steve in his Green American Apparel underware and the rest of the boys in various other outfits amounting to little more than nothing... And Owen, who actually put on a wet suit... Too funny... I have so many pictures it is not even funny...

Great times... Very cold but awesome...

And in the morning, we broke into the neighbors place and stole their paddle boat... Excuse me, "Comendeered" (Nautical Term) and crused all over the lake, testing the durrability of everyone's slides and such... It was so cold... and I was very proud of myself to have joined in on the excitment... So after thuroughly exposing myself to hypothermia and coming to peace with the cold I really went all out... I took my hand at taking flips off the dock with the trampoline and Steve graced us with his olympic style diving tricks, and did some impressive flips off the tower...

So cold, and I did so many back flops I couldn't move...

Then off to the jeeps... We had over 4 for the crew... And off to what they referred to as the "creek" which was a damn river... don't let them try to fool you... So I dont know how, I ended up on top of the jeep as we went crashing through the river, screaming my head off and clinging to the rack for dear life... it was a great time... Finally as the threat of being hit by a number of trees became a reality I had the opportunity to throw myself back through the window into the car...

We had a great time...
Toby, everyone's favorite Boxer/Pit (who is famous for biting a police officer) had a great time attacking everyone at the fire... It was the cutest thing... Owen got poor Toby all riled up and the next thing you know Owen is yelling and laughing his head off as Toby Nibbles/chomps on his head through his hoodie...

Other than that, just the usual...
When deciding how many were joining us for breakfast we applied the cockroach equation: (We could see 5 people... so we knew there were at least ten more passed out in the bushes) and we were right on...