Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Unicorn in the Garden

So I wake up early, the sun streaming in my windows and decide it's a great day to head outside and take a look around the garden... I throw on my flip flops, grab my hedge trimmers and walk out the door.
No sooner than I had just begun to assault the closest bush, swinging at it with both hands in a weak attempt to free it from the onslaught of leaves that had pilled onto the top of it when I am suddenly aware of the presence of a nearby visitor...
I glance over to see my next door neighbor charging towards me while shouting, "I have a message for you!"
I think to myself, time to start the car... the gig is up... but I fight my instinct to run and try to look interested.
Again, she saunters my way and repeats, "I have a message for you... from the man who used to own the house!"
Now I am really thinking the worst... he changed his mind, there are bodies in the back yard, his bookies are coming to settle his debt, now what?
Now she is standing right next to me, I grasp my clippers, ready for the worst...
"It's about your deck...." (This lady is really great at stringing me along... can't take much more of this)
So I am thinking that it must be falling over her side of the fence or infested with termites....
"Oh, I just wanted to tell you that when summer comes, it will be time to refinish it with a fresh coat of paint..."
Time to switch to decaf...
So just as I am beginning to feel silly about how stressed this lady was making me, she turns toward the back yard, stretches out her arm pointing off in the distance and proclaims, "I hate that!"
Not again, so I am scanning the area she is cursing, and ask, "What do you hate? The fence, the deck, the gazebo, the tree, the Christmas lights, the side of the house?? Give me some info here!"
"No ,that!" Pointing more dramatically...
"I hate that plant!, it grows everywhere."
Of course I see no plant and decide to wander off in another direction with my clippers... only to find that I have a new sidekick...
"That's a weed, you better get rid of that holly... gotta tear out that one and split up the bulbs... you just killed all your ferns, your tree is dying, bout $600 to have someone look at it..."
Alright, having enough pep talks for the day I wander back inside and shut the door behind me...
After finding that the coast was clear I cautiously headed back out with my rake for round two...
Hadn't been out there five minutes before a hispanic man walking by with his family gave me his card for lawn care... Apparently he wasn't too confident in my abilities to tackle this thing... Or maybe it was the fact that I was using half a rake... maybe that was the tip he picked up on...
Either way I am having loads of fun out here... Tell your friends.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Hear no Evil

After weeks of packing, moving, sawing, raking, burning, and rearranging I am slowly getting settled into my new home.
One of the perks of the new neighborhood is that there is a recreation center with an indoor pool right down the street... The pool is about the same distance away from the house as the mail box is...
So after getting sworn in as a new member at the pool, Autumn and I started checking the place out...
We soon found that the usual crowd was a less than talkative bunch. At one point I was sitting in the outdoor hot tub, relaxing after a long week, only to look to my left and see an older man with both hands covering his ears, sinking low into the water as not to be disturbed by our banter... I thought it seem a little strange, till I noticed the woman on the right who had chosen a less subtle tactic by holding her breath and trying to drown herself, face down in the pool...
Perhaps we came on cult night, we will see...