Thursday, July 28, 2005

Craig's list: Steal My Cat $100

Craig's list Way Funny Rant

go here, it is a sweet little bash on Honda Owners, and it is funny as hell...
Ps. send some my way if you find anything interesting...

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Another Day at the Fuzzy Factory

Pondering over the day's events I wonder why the hell I am standing in a 97 degree warehouse for nine hours straight. When being offered this job I cannot honestly say that my employers were completely up front. If when offered the position they mentioned that I would be working for a catfish on a forklift, ariving by 6 AM daily, give rides to derelects on my 30 minute lunchbreak, have said derelect accuse me of conspiing against her, or that I would look forward to driving home at 3;30, after a 9 hour shift in a 100 degree car, left to bake in the sun, in traffic, I would have told them to take a hike.

I look down on my Fun Time Fuzzy posters, and reflect that there is nothing fun about them... I only wish that the children who enjoyed these creations had the slightest comprehension of all the pain and frustration that went into each one. The screams as I slam my elbow down on my razor sharp tape dispencer for the third time in one session, or the chain smokers sitting on thier breaks lighting thier third cigarette on a 15 min. break, or if they could hear the workers coughing on the aspestos like fuzz... Maybe they to would see the irony in the product's name...

This is my hell... People go to work doing terribly mundane and tedeous things, but at the end of the day they can look back with relief that at least they dont work at a fuzzy factory. I know Cassandra does, she tells me that whenever her work gets unbarable she thinks of my in my two by two foot space, towering posters over my head, hoping that one will crush me and end the fuzzy hell...
Does your job suck?
Answer Yes or No to the Following Questions:
1. Do you have to be at work by 6 AM?
2. Do you work in a building with no air conditioning or circulation on 97 degree days?
3. Do you get paid $7.25 (before taxes)?
4. Do the men at your workplace refuse to shower and obsess over dungeons and dragons?
5. Do random drug addicts ask you for a ride home?
6. Are you almost positive that half the staff could not pass a drug test?
7. Do the employees display thier NA chips with pride?
8. Do strangers think you are plotting against them?
9. Do you have to clean the bathrooms?
10. Is the highlight of your day getting free markers?

If you can say yes to all these and you have a masters degree, you might need a new life.

New Toy

Blogger just added a picture hosting feature, I dont know where they go, or how many I can post, but we will investigate this none the less and see how it goes... This is Autumn (or at least it should be) wearing my cap and gown with her new masters degree in education... Doesnt she look proud? Anyways... lets see how it goes...

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Friday, July 22, 2005

Looks Like We Got a Shooter

Originally uploaded by Martin Sisiak.

I dont know what was going through this guys mind when he woke up this morning, but if any US Marshals see him, they might take him out on site.

Who knows, maybe the inmate look is coming back in. Pretty soon well will all be wearing pink underwear and neon orange jumpsuits. I cant wait... it will be Martha Sterwart's Fall line...

Friday, Woo Whoooo

Well today was great... I stood in the same spot for 9 hours straight and contructed 270-some odd kits. Which is better than yesterday, when I made 240... So I guess I am getting better at it. The girl next to me only made 217, so good for me. The big lady said I was doing good, but the skinny one with the lisp said it want good enough... I dont really care, I love hearing her talk to us... It is hard to be condecending with a speech impediment... ha ha... (we are always, like, what was that... could you say it again?) Muuu waaa ha ha...
In other news, the computer is back up and running, so whoopdy do... The optical drive up and died on my with two months left on my warrranty, and with the little ding on the side, I'm sure they wouldnt have covered it anyway... But the powers that be fixed by themselves, five restarts later, and the damn thing is fine... Who knew... but I have the sinking suspicion that this is an indication that more troubles are on the way and that renuing my warranty is going to be a good plan...
Other than that, I had my visitor open and checking and savings account at Washington Mutual, to get her on her way to independence. Next week we will work on getting her license and finding her a beater car to play with....
This is my side project, in return, she pokes me with a stick so I make it to work on time... good deal...
We got paid today, and $40 went to taxes, I need to go back in there and redo that form to show me as exempt... I qualify, why should they take all my check for nothing... grrrr...
Anyways.... other than that, Cassandra is coming down for the weekend, sushi and movies are planned, and I will get back on top of my knitting... What a thrilling life I lead....
That and there was a humungous thunder storm last night... It killed my answering machine and took out all my important messages... I am reconsidering the back up battery move... it might just be a good plan. I of course, sleep like the dead and didnt hear a thing even though it was all going on right outside with the windows open...
Back to doing nothing...
Talk to you later

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Day Something or Other, I already forgot, but I still have a job

Yes, with the attention span of a small gnat, it's hard for anyone to expect me to keep track of the month, date, and time, let alone the number of days and hours that I have spent slaving away at the fuzzy factory. I dont care what day it is... all I know is that in stead of the boot camp starting at 7 the powers that be have moved the routine to 6... on account of Eugene's beautiful 94 degree heat and the lack of air circulation in the building. It makes sense, that at some point well will begin dropping like flies from heat exaustion and that production speed will decrease.... That means less money for Wallmart and we cant have that. So this week and from now on I will be getting my dose of aspestos like fuzz an extra hour early.

Other than that, I went to see Beck yesterday... Muuuu waaaa haaa haa. It was pretty sweet. I ran into alot of friends and past coworkers from Chavez. I am always leary of running into teachers at concerts and the fair... dont want them to think I'm too crazy or anything... But what ever. So I went up with Autumn and Cassandra... hung out with all her little friends from Borders, and had a pretty good time. After that we went to a Borders' employee reunion at a bar downtown and heard Cass' friend Chad play with his band, that I cant recall the name of. It was all pretty sweet... Then off to bed by two just in time to get up and get back on the freeway in the morning... So that was my weekend....


Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Alright, Let's Try it Again... Day One and We have a job

K guys, place your bets, how long will I last this time... Cheryl and I have just joined the slave labor minions of the Fuzzy Factory. First time for Cheryl, welcome back for me... Good times. I was happy to see all the familiar faces of all the UA rejects from last time. It's a small world. As I walked in the door, I mentioned to Cheryl, "I hope they dont put me on the kits"... It sucks, they make you assemble hundreds of fuzzy poster kits... There is a specific order to all of it, the placement of the posters, length of each piece of tape, angle of each piece of paper... Lame...
Anyways, I am happy to be back to work, thought not as thrilled to be back with the kits, I will never make quota... I dont want to... Cheryl got put on Marker Island...lucky wench... All she has to do is put glue on markers and attach a stick to them... Not too hard....

So Like I said, we were hoping to be employed for at least a week... So you better get you bets in before Friday or it may be too late. *smile*


Monday, July 11, 2005

Thursday, July 07, 2005

What a Week

Originally uploaded by Miss Clare.

Hey Guys,
You all should check out the "Scissor Sisters"... I love the song, "You cant see tits on the radio"
want the lyrics, I know you do....

First Verse:
Creamsicle sky while the sun sets up in the west
Where are the queers on the piers, heard they gave it their best
Now they got jobs at a local fast food chain
Flippin' tricks for the burger, since Lady M jacked their fame
Flippin' tricks for the burger, since Lady M jacked their fame

You can't see tits on the radio
I'll give you five fingers for a one man show
Fasten those pants for the lap dance
Take a shot now this may be your last chance

There ain't no tits on the radio (Oh no)
There ain't no tits on the radio (Oh no)
There ain't no tits on the radio (Oh no)
There ain't no tits on the radio (No no)

Hot Chicks and a Puppy

Hot Chicks and a Puppy
Originally uploaded by Miss Clare.

Ok, false alarm, no hot chicks in sight. I was walking out of the dollar store when I happen to notice this man had a puppy in his pocket. For once this wasnt a bad pick up line, he actually did have a puppy in his pocket. So seizing another Kodac momment was a natural next move. He said that T-Dawg was the mellow one and could hang out with people, and that Otis was the wild one... hence the pocket. It seemed pretty neat to me and the little one didnt seem to mind.

This little event reminded me of a comedy skit my sister sent me... the background story on this was that corky had mistakenly bought like 10 pairs of underwear that were the wrong size... so she says she's mailing them out. She also mentions that she just got Limewire and inquired if I would like a CD. Of course I am always up for new music, and she asked me what kind... I said, hell I don't know, underwear music. So 2 weeks later, I receive a large envelope, wich I proudly open in the middle of class, to find 10 pairs of underwear from hawaii and an underwear compelation soundtrack.

It was funny as hell, every song was about underwear!! And the last track was a comedian doing a skit that touched on bums and thier underwear... talking about how some people scream "get a job" at homeless people" he went on to mention that perhaps thier resume's weren't up to date, and that McDonald's probably has an underwear inside the pasnt policy...

He went on to rant about drug commercials. I often wonder about them as well... I mean you really cant figure out what they are selling from the commercial....
Commercial: "Do you get tired? Do you forget things?"
Veiwers: "Holy #$%^, I have this, write this down"
Veiwers: "Wow, this desease comes with a hot chick and a do I get that?"

Raspberry Supreme

Raspberry Supreme
Originally uploaded by Miss Clare.

Welcome to home base, that is looking more and more like the S.S. Barbie. I love what she has done with the place. She is so creative, stinging laundry line webs across the ceiling, and hanging baskets of lace for everything else... It looks great...

Autumn Being Attacked by a Dragon

Country Fair
Originally uploaded by Miss Clare.

Sadly it happens all the time. People are often mezmorized by the enchanting creatures and want to touch them. Then they get too close and look what happens... I tried to warn her, but she wouldnt listen. After hours of reconstructive surgery and too many stiches to count we got her back to camp. You'll all be happy to hear that she is recovering nicely. I think she'll be back up and around in about a month. So let this be a lesson to you all... DONT PET THE DRAGONS!!

(So this is week one at the Country Fair... Autumn's family has a booth so they got in on Tuesday... I will be joining them shortly.)

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Day Five and Um....

Well I guess I spoke a little too soon and stayed up a little too late last night... It happens. I woke up 30 minutes late... and since I am just a worker bee that can be replaced in a second, I have a feeling my temp agent isnt going to call me back. I am torn on wether I should have just gone in and bypassed the politics, but hey... I can pay this month's bills and start back at the fish factory. Or maybe she will call me after lunch... whichever... And if I get canned this early in the week that frees me up to go to the fair today... and I had a lot to do around the house, so maybe I needed this week off... We will see what we will see... maybe she'll call... ha right, I wont hold my breath... Well good times.

Jack in the Box

Originally uploaded by Miss Clare.

Yes, the cornerstone of any nutritious meal... Cheryl and I were just stopping in for dinner after another fun day at work... You can tell I can barely contain the joy...

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Day Four, I still Have a Job : )

Today was peachy, I shut down the mangler 5 times in 20 minutes on account of tiny little technical errors. It dawns on me that the assembly line may not be the best use of my skills and education. I really think it helps to have the IQ of a tick tack when being forced to stack boxes at light speed. Today I was also informed after the fact that we are not to wear flip flops, and can't wear necklaces, or listen to music... All of these things would have been nice to know in the begining, though I feel that mentioning a list of guidelines for employees would be condecending and out of the question. I hate the mangler... I will loose something, I know it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one of these days I will definately go home a couple fingers short.

Other than that I have spent the day listening to the most disturbing life stories I have ever heard, to the extent that I have resorted to singing Allanis Morsette at the top of my lungs to prevent my coworkers from making conversation. This tactic has proved effective thus far, though I fear I will run out of lame songs and have to hear more...

Today we made about 600 Creedence Clearwaters, 500 Elvis', 600 Johny Cash, and some other classics... The Creedence and Christmas music seem to never leave the building. I feel like one of those rejects on an assembly line who's sole perpose is to assemble little contraptions that will be dissasembled at the other end of the line... I have never seen a more over packaged product in my life. I can see now why these damn things cost so much... I mean come on, first we make the CD, package it, shrink wrap it, put it in a box, shrink wrap it again, then add a sticker, and if the boss is feeling fiesty, we shrink wrap it again for the hell of it... My life has meaning... Knowing that Costco and Walmart will have thier Damn oldies and the world will be a better place...

Off to sleep.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Day Three At the CD Shack

KC & Cheryl
Cheryl Strikes Again: So Cheryl has been visiting a few friends over at the Commons lately, which is cool for me, I get a break and a chance to catch up on my housework, namely the clothes and dishes that are scattered all over my house. So she tells me that she wants to go visit her friend James. Why not, sounds good to me... So I put on my chauffeur hat and get in the car... the meter is running and we make it over in record time with traffic. I am not really up for hanging out these days as I am exausted daily with my minimum wage duties, but hey why not. Little background info, the last time Cheryl went to visit James, his psycho, antisocial girlfriend was over and locked Cheryl and her friend out on the porch while they were outside. This did not go over well, as Cheryl can be a very assertive and intimidating individual when provoked. She may seem like a sweet, mild mannered teen that farts, burps, and spits on cue, but if you make her mad the chances are that you will be walking away with a few less teeth. She really doesnt care. Anyways so after the girl locked them out, James was looking at her like, "What the hell are you doing, why would you lock them out?" So the nutcase lets them back in the house and denies ever touching the door. She was like, I just shut it... but it's a flipping deadbolt, it's not like she tripped and fell on the lock... come on.

So Cheryl already has it in for this chick and the chances are that she would probably start something if they were ever within a ten foot radius of eachother... So I am doing my best to keep them on separate ends of town, just to make things easier on me. Disposing of a body this time of year could be a pain and I dont have the time... : ) So we swing by Jame's house and guess who's there... Yes, everyones favorite locksmith... Whats-her-name... So Cheryl, in a wise move, opts to stay in the car while I survey the scene and see what's up. Finally James gives the girl the boot and she wanders off... So Cheryl is playing her guitar on my car and we are having a nice time... Then we decide to go hang out at the appartment and Cheryl leaves her guitar in the car and locks it up so no one will take it... Unbeknownst to me she unknowingly locks my keys in the car in the process. After about ten minutes of hanging out up stairs, I am ready to go since I have to get up early to get to work in the morning... I go for my purse and ask Cheryl for the keys... "You have them"... "No, You had them..." So I go down to the car and Cheryl heads back upstairs to check James house... No point, I can see them... They are in the ignition, staring at me...

So now I have a new mission... Get in the car... I think no problem, I will just get one of the lock boxes off my car, no big deal, only I forgot that Cheryl took them all off the last time she came to visit... No luck. So I call AAA, I don't have my card on me, so I ask the man to look up my account, after 20 minutes of searching and giving the man every possible combination of vowels and consenants that resemble my name the guy gives up... I tried everything, Dave Gardner: No, Corky Gardner: No, Kellyclare Gardner:: No, Kelly Clark: No... I thought that one would work... Finally I was just asking him if there was a name that slightly resembled mine that we could use, but no luck... So I call my Dad and he reminds me that police have slim Jims... So I call them and they blow me off... back to square one...

Meanwhile I have 8 strangers with coathangers working thier way around my car... It's crazy, I mean how many people does it take to get into a tempo??? Come on... People do this for a living... Speaking of which, all the commotion attracted the attention of a young girl who informed me that she use to break into cars for a living... at this point I was not surprised and didnt care anymore... She tried for a while and gave up... She wanted to pop the lock off with a screw driver, but I wasnt having that...
Finally I Realized that I had a spare key to the trunk that had fallen off my keychain earlier... a glimmer of hope that we were kinda in the car... Finally I decided I had enough and just had some guy crawl in my trunk, kick in the back seat and crawl through. Yes boys and girls it is just that easy... try it yourself and if you are lucky, you may be back in your car by 3 AM just like me... Yeah, so after I got done with my victory dance I looked back at my mangled car and inquired if he could put what was left of the seat back in order... So this kid proceeded to punch my car as hard as he could, and wa- la noone could tell it ever happened... So after recollecting Cheryl, who had been AWAL throughout the entire experience, aside from calling me from appartments telling me about parties, as if that were an option... I dont know...

So We got home at about three... I crashed into bed on the couch, set my alarm, and manufactured the most anemic sandwich ever devised by man, knowing that I would have to be at work in 4 hours and ready to work on machines that not only require cordination and focus, but also bost the reputation of detaching arms and digits with record speed... A great thought to comfort me while I slept. So a few hours later, my alarm goes off, time to got to work, but in my delerious state and no shock to me, I go back to bed only to frantically wake 10 minutes before I am due at work. My immidiate reaction was a chain of phraises that would make a sailor blush as I ran our the door with my sandwhich in hand. I was flying.... I dont know how but I made it it with one minute to spair, the NA members still putting out their third cigarrettes for the morning. I dont know how I did it... But from there I was on my own, trapped in a warehouse, manufacturing Elvis compelation disks by the hundreds... That wasnt too bad, I wasnt going to loose a finger doing that.... then Alice started the name call... The few and the proud that would be working on the "Mangler" and you could have guessed already that I was one of the lucky who got called... Ahhhhh... So I ended up working on the end of the machine that shrink wraps the cd's, how bad could it be? No, I have never been so scared in my life... that thing sucks in a case a second and I had to feed it... keep in mind that if you dont keep up with it, it will snap Walter Cronkite in half and then I have to fix it... not good... this was turning out not to be the Lavern and Sherly factory that I had dreamed of. After 3 hours of that I realized I was going nearsighted and half blind from staring at the same Christmas album for three hours straight... Good times...

Luckily one of my coworkers bought me a cheeseburger to help me regain my sanity... four hours after that, I was free... to go home and sleep for the next 10 hours, until I would have to get up and do it all over again... So in short, Cheryl's key privilidges have definately been revoked... and I will be renewing my AAA as soon as I get my next check... Good Times.